15. It's been a while...

Hello, hello,

Welcome back to the newsletter after a slight hiatus.

If you’re new here, it’s great to have you. This is a home for some ramblings and some recipes.

If you’re already familiar here then, hey, it’s been a while!

Much love,

Cissy…xo

---

Where’ve you been?

Every month since January (when I last wrote a newsletter) I’ve thought about sitting down to write an article not because I wanted to but because I thought it was the right thing to do. However, every time I tried to imagine what I’d write about, nothing surfaced. The lack of inspiration, like an ice cube slowly melting, chipped away at my confidence and allowed familiar scripts to run riot in my head. Thoughts like ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘what’s the point’ and ‘you may as well just give up’. I even thought about deleting everything (which I’m very glad I didn’t). Now, here I am again, 8 months on, trying to think of something to write about. Well, let’s start by filling in the gaps. Where have I been these last 8 months?

If you read my last article, you might remember that at the beginning of the year I moved from Dublin to Oxford to start a new job at Hamblin Bread. I took the job on a leap of faith having only visited Oxford and the bakery once and for less than 48 hours no less. For some crazy reason, I decided to give up my lovely, comfortable life in Dublin, where I lived with my partner Seán and silly chocolate Labrador Luna, surrounded by an amazing group of friends, to pursue this role. The role was a rare opportunity for me to work with flour in a way I hadn’t before. Hamblin is one of a handful of bakeries that buys all of its grain directly from the farms it is grown. For Hamblin, this means buying in bulk for the year and storing the grain at Offley Mill in Staffordshire. Here, David the miller, mills the grain to order before delivering it himself to the bakery each fortnight. This unusual short supply chain differs from most and comes with a myriad of benefits as well as challenges. Kate, the owner and Head Baker, writes about it here in much better detail than I ever could. For me, it has increased my appreciation and awe for farmers and millers. I remember one rainy Wednesday morning whilst commuters ran for their buses, almost all the bakery staff paused their production to create a train of arms, which like someone crowd surfing, carried all the flour sacks off the back of David’s truck into the bakery. I was the closest in the line to the truck and to David. As he hoisted another bag into my arms, I asked him who helped him load the 50 or so bags onto the truck’s bed. He replied ‘just me’. I felt ashamed for my naivety but in that moment, I realised how easy I had it in comparison. 

Sausage Rolls, Cinnamon Buns / White Chocolate (not garlic lol) and Oat Cookie

As well as this, I learnt to appreciate the nuances of each bag of flour. Just after a few weeks of working there I noticed how different these grains were to any bag of flour I’d bought from the shop or large supplier. Not only were the names confusing; Maris Widgeon, Hereward, Holdfast, Devon Blue, Malika, Paragon. So was the way they behaved. These kinds of flours needed attention. So, I began logging a list of questions in my mind that would help me identify the nuances of each flour. In one case, just before Easter, I quickly learnt that it was my responsibility to work with the flour and figure out how to use it rather than against it. This came as over a course of busy mornings we woke to find all of the hot cross buns bubbly and broken in the prover, rather than supple and bouncy and ready for baking. A group chat ensued where we had to diagnose the issue. I made spreadsheets and at some point probably cried in the walk-in. After a lot of trial and error we began nailing the recipe down. What was the problem? Not adapting to the flour. Reasons for this particular dough not working included; the flour getting too hot and over fermenting, adding too much liquid, not mixing for long enough and a breakdown of sugars as the soaked fruit began to ferment.

Sad Hot Cross Buns / Perfect Hot Cross Bun

Whilst at the bakery I tried my best to give as much as I could to the role. At the same time, I tried to navigate a city that made me feel slightly alien as I wasn’t part of the PhD consort. I was healing wounds that had resurfaced and trying to patch those that opened within my family. Most of the time I felt quite lonely and pined for all the people and things I’d left behind. This is all to say that now, with a tinchy bit of hindsight, I understand why I wasn’t able to find anything to write about each month. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood from the trees. Ultimately I am very proud of everything I was able to achieve and learn so far this year. And guess what, it’s not over yet!¹

So, what’s next? 

As of a few weeks ago, I no longer work at Hamblin and have left Oxford to take on new challenges. One of those challenges is a commitment to write more. Writing for me is (like many things I do) a seesaw between absolute precision and fun creativity. Finding the balance is the challenge. I could stare at this page for hours and write only one sentence, going back and forth on what words to use or how to say something in the hopes it all makes sense. To write this, I had to refresh my brain. I scoured through my notebook looking for ideas. Amongst the pages I found my original scribblings outlining why I wanted to start this newsletter. I wrote, ‘I’m doing this to give myself a focus when everything is a little chaotic and uncertain. To learn and discover more. To teach and build a community of like minded people. To have fun. To see what happens’.  Surrounding the words are title ideas, my core values and a long list of things I want to make. Although written over a year ago these musings still resonate and I’m looking forward to getting stuck back in. Hopefully you’ll join me for the ride.

1. If you want to see more of my work from Hamblin Bread please check out my saved highlights on Instagram.